Again, I post in my blog. Sometimes I feel as though whenever I post in my blog, I either did something that was very significant, or whenever I’m feeling undeniably emo about some weird thing. Lately I’ve been thinking…do I really care whether I’m in a relationship or not? I’ve been seriously thinking about this. And lately, I’ve began to realize that I really do care, and that it’s really, hard. Hard to think that I would really think about relationships. Of course, it’s probably because I’m a teenager. Oh how I hate being a teenager so much…it’s because of the fact that teenagers (most of them) always have the damned urge to be romantic and a want for love. I don’t know why I can’t be different, but I feel the same way. This is the one thing I hate about myself. I’m a hypocrite. There are so many things that I really dislike about myself, however I know within myself that I should not say things like this, and that it should be the opposite and I need to find the good things within myself. That’s the thing, I fight within myself. I’m fighting me. There is a reason why I, personally, am attached to the idea of balance. Not because it’s cool, not because of the yin yang symbol, not because of silly nonsense that I make up. Because it really is who I am. I am two persons. However I’m not stupid to have to different personalities. More like different variations of myself. The problem is that I have two, and they contrast very much. Very much like black and white. Over time, I learned how to really notice the bad parts of myself and dispose of them, except I realized that I never disposed of it, I just threw it somewhere within myself, to where it would grow. Sometimes these feelings of hatred and unpure thoughts burst through my mind when something bad happens to me. Lately, I’ve been letting Dark appear more than I want. I fool around jokingly about the whole idea, when in reality, the Dark that I create is a lot more Darker than anyone will ever know about. I wish I had someone to be with me, to tell me how stupid I am. Someone to tell me how stupid I am, someone to tell me that I’m just a normal person, someone to tell me that I can in fact lead my own life, someone to tell me that…I have to promise to that person. A promise in which I must never break. A promise…

Although I posted this entry up in my blog, I’d really rather prefer if no one were to respond. I felt that I had to face my problem by letting someone know. However I don’t want anyone’s opinions or advice. I want to learn how to solve it on my own. This is something I must carry on my own.

It’s been a while since I posted in my blog. I guess it’s because I haven’t felt like I really needed to say much.

Yes, I did promise that I’d have a video of my speech, but you know, that’s not really gonna happen. I’m really sorry to those whom I told, and sorry to those who I didn’t; however that’s not the reason why I’m here in my blog.

You know, sometimes, my mother just out of nowhere wants to go to Bingo or some Casino. She says that she’s bored and that she deserves it after working so much. I don’t say anything because normally I agree. But WHAT THE HELL?! She’s been gone for about seven hours already! Reason why it pisses me off is because my father gets pissed about it. I’m a weird person, I tend to blend with the auras surrounding me, and my father is a strong person, and so is his attitude. Not only that, my mom does this every now and then, and what’s pissing me off is that this is the New Years Day! She’s doing this on the first day of 2008! What the hell is she thinking? Normally I would hate myself for even thinking such rash thoughts, but things have got to stop sometimes! God damn it!  This is where I would just LOVE for some criminal to come up out of nowhere so I can kick his fucking ass. Got to release this inner anger somewhere, or else I might explode on someone. If I’m gonna explode, might as well do it for justice. BUT SERIOUSLY! WHERE THE HELL IS SHE!!!!!!!!

I really need to find out other ways to release my god damned anger.

Well, I just finished watching Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann, and let me tell you, I have never seen such a powerful anime before in my life! I think this anime has already started shaping me around my ideals, no…reinforce my ideals. I’m starting to believe that there has been more purpose in this Winter Break than any other before in my life. I’m starting to understand even more clearly why I am here. I may not seem like I’m going to change much, however I will continue living on smiling, as Jonathan! As 백승철! As a friend! As a caring person to hold on to! Forever I shall smile on! For the only thing that’ll hold me down will only be the universe! おれは…だれが…おもてる?!?!(I'm hoping I spelled that correctly...it's the quote of the day by the way.) My friends, who continue to read this blog, I thank you. You are at least kind enough to read this blog to get to know me. Remember this well, I shall forever be in your hearts, as you are in mine. Those who were my friends have forever shaped me into the way I am. Those who I just know as acquaintances have changed me. I am extremely happy to live the way I am. So I will change! Before winter break, you will only remember a young seventeen-year old teenage boy; however, after winter break, you will see a man emerge. This man will not be recognizable at first, but inevitably, it shall be me. Therefore, everyone! May this be an opportunity for you and me to become better friends! Let us forever cherish our lives that we may look onwards! Forever, I shall be here.

I can’t be here forever you say? Say, who the hell do you think I am?!

I’ve been watching this anime, called Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann, and I’m all over it. It’s a great mecha action anime! I haven’t watched any action for a long time. Every time I watch it, I get filled with this energy that I have forgotten that I have had for a long time! Even though I seemed as though was nothing wrong with me during school, even during calls, I’ve been in the down mood when I’m alone. Somehow this anime was something similar to an ancient medicine. As I listen to this song, I continue to stop thinking about myself, and begin to look forward. I have too many things to worry about, so I should just forget about it and do what I have to do! Who gives a crap? Who the hell do you think I am? I don’t dwell on such things for long! I’m not someone who cries all the time like in those drama animes! I am 승철 (Sung Cheul)!  나는 승철이다! I shall go on forward! No time for melancholy! I must continue to go on! 무아하하하! Come on! Give it your best! I’ll kick you in the face like there’s nothing else to do in the world!!! >=D

More and more, every day, I start to feel that I’m getting really lonely, and I can’t really help it. It continues to hurt me. It pisses me off too because I hate being a fuckin emo. God, I hate swearing like that too, but I can’t really find any other way to show you how I feel. I want to do something, with someone, but I don’t want to take up their time. There’s really no one I want to spend time particularly, but I can’t help but feel the boredom swell up, into being solitude and being by myself. I want to do something with somebody, but again and again and again I’m here, typing a blog entry. I’ve seem to lost interest in so many things. I haven’t been playing much games lately, there’s nothing on the internet that I really want to do, and I’m always at home. This energy continuously is thrown away as the day passes by. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I think I just need to calm down.

Of course, everyone's life is so dramatic. Because no one has ever gone through what they have gone through and no one will ever understand how they feel. Well to hell with that. I always hated that when people talk about some of their trials. It's okay at some point, but when they try to be a little too melodramatic about what they have gone through, it's annoying as hell. I don't know a single person who's gone through what my mother has gone through. Yes, I'll admit we are in a lot better situation than those who are poor, however, her childhood life has got to be one of the worst out of anyone that you could possibly know. However, due to her request, I will not reveal what has happened to her in her past.

I just wanted to post something to relieve myself of the small anger that I got from listening to some stupid teenage girls on the bus. God how I hate riding it sometimes. Actually, it's most of the times now.

It seems though as the days continue to pass, that I become more and more mellow about life. I’ve got so much on my mind, sometimes I worry what will happen to me. Sometimes, this is what happens to me when I watch too many romance anime. I’m such a weirdo…but that’s the way I am. Also, my mother has been getting mad at more things lately, that it scares me. My sister’s slumber party yesterday was okay; however she started saying things she shouldn’t have. Although it was subtle, it was enough to make me grit my teeth and light a fuse on my mother. Sometimes, I just wish I could walk outside with someone. The thing is, there’s only one person I would enjoy doing that with, however I don’t think I should. My mind is full of the future and what I want to do, however I never carry them out.

My parents have been going out more and more lately. I think this has something to do with my little inner wish that I’d be alone in the house more often. I didn’t really think it’d happen this soon. I just want to do something outside of my house a little more often, however I want to go out by myself. I feel like I have a chain on, that I myself put on. I guess it’s because of guilt. That’s why I hardly go to even my best friend’s house. Well, I don’t even know if I have truly a best friend. To summarize my rant, I have a yearning to be somewhere other than home. I guess I want to be alone a little…that way I can think this out by myself. Also, I’m corny enough to think that I’d find someone who would want to be around me, someone who’s not of my blood.

Lastly, I can’t help but stare at the picture that Ms. Fragile gave me. The picture looks so odd with me in it. I often find myself in denial for some odd reason. Perhaps it’s because I’m continuously stunned to think that I went to Homecoming with her. Not that we danced or anything (which made me feel like someone who couldn’t do anything, because I couldn’t dance), but it was fun. I don’t know how it works, but her smile is just something…

Really…I need a life.

I guess I should think more about this before I venture onward. So I hope that you guys have a good night.